Monday, February 19, 2018

Redemption

It has been almost 8 months since my sweet baby boy's birth
but it is never too late to write on it.

First I need to give a brief overview on my pregnancy. Sadly I never blogged about it. 

On October 20th I took "the test" and received those beautiful positive lines. Rejoicing that God had given me life in my womb once more. Praying for His grace in this pregnancy.
As I approached my 5th week the sickness started to set it. Rejoicing once more knowing that meant this little life was growing. 
As the weeks continued, so did the sickness. The rejoicing became much more difficult as I tried to take care of my hubby, two toddlers and a house. I was unable to eat any sort of chicken or turkey without becoming extremely ill. Red meat seemed to reap havoc on my stomach if ate too often. Cleaning and meal making seemed near impossible. 
February 17th, we discovered our little baby was a BOY!! 
And a few more weeks after that, the sickness seemed to ease.
But as I neared 28 weeks my gestational diabetes (that never goes away) seem to flare up with vengeance. So not only did I need to avoid chicken, and limit all other meats, I had to avoid many other foods that caused high blood sugars. My doctor put me on medication to help with the blood sugars, and at first it always worked really well. Almost too well because I was suddenly battling low blood sugars. But after a week my body would become immune to the medicine and I would start having high blood sugars again.
This is not my first go around with the diabetes. I am fully aware of the foods I can eat and the foods I should limit or avoid. But even having a salad seemed to spike my sugars.
So by the end of my pregnancy, I was DONE!!! I was ready for this sweet babe to be in my arms and to recover from everything the pregnancy brought with it.

Fast forward to June 20th. I was 38 1/2 weeks. I was going to my twice a week doctor appointments (because of the diabetes and medicine) and while doing my non stress test I had multiple contractions. My doctor swept my membranes and that evening after dinner we went for a long walk. My hubby would asked me if I felt anything, and all i could feel was pressure down below but mostly a lot of pain in my back. I figured the pain was due to my enormous stomach.
We put the kids to sleep at my sisters hoping by early morning we would head to the hospital. 
I did try a concoction that night in hopes to spur labor on... but I threw it all up shortly after.
By 11pm that pain in my back was intensifying and i finally realized that pain was contractions. 
I was still in denial. My hubby wanted to take me to the hospital but I kept waiting for them to fizzle out. So I tried to distract myself with watching a show and after 20 minutes I realized I had not watched any of it. I was too busy working through my pain... Every 3 minutes.
So we called my mom and sister by 11:40 and said it was time. Getting to the hospital around midnight June 21st.

I was 4.5cm dialated, 80% effaced. And in pure shock that soon I was going to hold a baby!
By 2am the anesthesiologist FINALLY arrived. (yes I am 100% an epidural person) 
When he was placing the epidural, I remember thinking it felt a lot lower than my previous 2, but didn't question it, he was the trained one.
Soon after that I was 6cm and they broke my water.
And I suddenly realized the epidural was NOT working!!!
except in my right foot.
I told the nurse I was still feeling everything. And even more intense because my water was broke. She tried laying me down more hoping gravity would cause the epidural to work. But there was nothing but pain.

By 3am the nurse came to check my dialation and said she wanted to get another nurse to verify. Next thing I knew my doctor came in and checked and was telling me the baby's fist was up by his head. They needed to try and have him retract his hand or it would be a C-section.
Bless my doctor she did everything. She ended up putting water back into me and Praise the Lord, He allowed that to help little baby pull his hand back.
Suddenly after so much pain in my contractions that caused my body to eliminate anything I had in me I began shaking really bad. Once again my doctor, knowing my situation wanted the nurse to check my blood sugars.
They were LOW. Very low. Next thing I knew they were trying to get some fruit juice in me to help.
As soon as that seemed to gain some control the baby's heart rate was dropping to scary low numbers during my very frequent contractions.

Honestly all I can remember was pure chaos. My doctor telling me that the surgical team was there because there was a high chance we would need them. "Better they are here and we don't need them, than we need them and they are not here"
As she was telling me this I could see the stress and worry, it started to set in that this was serious.
Around 3:50 the anesthesiologist returned to fix my epidural that was still not doing anything.
But shortly after walking into the room he walked out looking for something.
And in his absence the doctor and nurse were looking at each other and the screen showing my contractions and the baby's heartbeat.
The nurse went to check on things down below and then said "nevermind we are going to have a baby!"
18 minutes of trying to push through the most exhausting pain I have ever felt and he was born!

My sweet rainbow baby
Boston Isaiah 7lbs. 4oz born at 4:18am June 21st

The day we became a family of 5
My cup runneth over with blessings!



A life so short

I'm not quite sure when I started writing this, but finally opening up my blog (in who knows how long) I discovered this draft.. I felt it was necessary to finish this post, and being February 19th it seemed fitting.

on Sunday June 12th, 2016 Spencer and I discovered we were blessed with life in my womb. We were not "trying" although we were wanting more children we also had, in our timing, the desire to get through the summer and vacations before being bogged down with pregnancy sickness. But we had the pleasant surprise and realization that so often God's plans are different!
I still struggled with the shocking news because of the timing of it. But it didn't take long before I became excited and dreaming about February 19th.
Exactly one week after discovering the surprise I noticed I was spotting. I didn't think much of it at first, I knew it could be common in early pregnancy. But something didn't feel right. I couldn't stop going to the bathroom and checking and the more I checked the more blood there seemed to be. By afternoon it was very clear the life we had barely begun to celebrate and dream about was leaving us.

I know this is a common circumstance, that sadly too many women experience. But after you have 2 healthy full term pregnancies, at least for me, I never thought this would be something I would experience.
This life that seemed too short, was that in itself a LIFE. A life that I want to continue to remember and look forward to meeting someday. A life that is in heaven where we all long to be, praising God. My heaven baby will be forever missed while I am here on earth, but missed with the hope of a sweet reunion before our savior some day.
"...I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."
2Samuel 12:23

I struggle in sharing my story. I know there are many others that have walked much further into a pregnancy before experiencing a loss. But I am also learning we are not to compare our trials with others. As the writer of Hebrews says
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,"
Hebrews 12:1
We are all running our own race. A race filled with many trials so that our faith is tested and so we are conformed more and more into the image of our precious savior, Jesus.
Our loss, that to this day we continue to remember, is part of our story. Our story that God Himself is writing. Our loss caused us to look to Him, to glorify Him, and to share our walk with others. 

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Times to remember

today after a wonderful breakfast cooked by my amazing hubby our two year old needed a good amount of attention. He truly wanted us to be involved in everything he did and played. As overly tired parents we of course wanted to sit and enjoy our coffee and try and wake up a little bit more. But after quite a bit of persistence, the toddler wore us down. Out came the playdough (one of his favorites) and after awhile a game of catch and tackle with dad and a nerf football. Or as Micah calls it "offball game".





Sitting there watching the high energy boy run back and forth between "catching" and chucking a football and then running and tackling his dad on the ground I had to praise God. What a sweet sweet morning He has given us!! What an incredible memory for us to be able to look back on!!
Too often that "needyness" from a toddler can seem overwhelming. And it can add an extra strain on the exhaustion we already seem to be struggling with. BUT then God shows us that this truly is a sweet time of a little boy just wanting his parents to be with him. There may come a day that we desire to be involved but Micah grows out of it. It was truly a gracious reminder to savor these years. Thank you God. Thank you for this morning. Thank you for this sweet memory with our precious family. Thank you for these precious years that we are so near and dear to these little ones. Thank you God for helping us to look at them and not around them.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Micah is 2!!

I cannot believe how fast 2 years have gone!! Our baby boy is 2!!


Micah James, words cannot express the love we have for you. 
From the moment your dad and I found out we were going to be parents to that first ultrasound we were able to hear your sweet heartbeat for the first time. You captured our hearts in those first moments. And when we were finally able to hold you in our arms for the first time our love grew that much more intense. And it has only continued to grow ever since!

Your arrival into this world was a testimony in itself! Needing to be induced from uncontrollable diabetes and medication, you still took your precious time. I believe God had his own appointed day and time for your beginning and He gave me the strength to get through those 35 hours until you were born.

My boy, your heart is so sweet and your soul is so kind! Your personality has me smiling and laughing daily!! You ARE your father's son; a true character!!
I am thankful for each and every day The Lord gives us. And though I fail every single day, I pray to God for the wisdom in training you up in The Lord. I pray that I will be able to shepherd your heart and teach you truth; God's Word. And I thank Him daily for you. 
You are a blessing, and a gift from God!!


(Not to mention, world's best big brother)


Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
Psalm 127: 3,4







Tuesday, October 27, 2015

God's time and not our own

The other day we recognized our baby girl turning 7 months old! Wow, that happened fast. It always amazes me how slow a day can go by, but before you know it another year has passed..




Oh the look of adventure! Not long from now she will really be on the move. Right now she reaches destinations through rolls, pivots and scoots, but soon I wont be able to take my eyes off of her for a second ;)

The other day a red button topic (for me) was brought up.. and not for the first time (nor the last). I am always shocked to hear the opinion of many that myself and my family are very busy (too busy). Which I wont deny that two children 2 and under definitely keeps me on my toes. And living in a house that we are slowly trying to renovate and put our own thumbprint on gives us a never ending list of projects. But honestly, I love it!! I never have a dull moment. And in this busy season of life God has given me many gracious reminders that I NEED my savior, Jesus Christ! But still people seem to feel the need to insert their opinion, whether it is that we need to be done having kids, that we need to wait awhile to have more kids, or just simply judging us for having two kids 18 months apart... I can only smile. It may seem undesirable to some but I absolutely love it!! And how could I not??


These two already love each other so much!! And what a blessing to have a best friend to grow up with!! I am so thankful to The Lord for these two. For preparing both mine and Spencer's heart for a second child so soon... and giving us a desire for more children to train up in Him. I honestly don't know when more children will come along. Sure we have our own timeline that is ideal... but we live knowing that God is in control. If he chooses to give us another baby before then we will rejoice. If He chooses to wait longer than our desire we rejoice. We are thankful for the babies He has given us. And we will continue to seek Him and pray about more.


For I know the plans I have for you, declared the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 
Jeremiah 29:11-13



Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Piper's birth

Early in the morning on Tuesday March 24th I wrestled with sleep as contractions started to set in. By 8 am I was constantly making trips to the bathroom... I knew this was it!!
At about 12:30pm my contractions were around 5 min apart. They were not the strongest, but seeing that they were getting closer together I wasn't sure how much longer I should put off going to the hospital. After yet another bathroom trip, Spencer asked if I was ready to head there. I thought, might as well! Worse case scenario: they send me home because I am not quite ready yet. When we got there they had done a cervical check. I was only 3 cm, but because my contractions were staying pretty consistent they advise that I stay there and they would check me in about 2 hours. 
By 3:30pm they admitted and said I was up to 4 cm!!... Now those that know my labor and delivery story with Micah (which was induced) would have their jaw drop at the fact I was already dialating without pitocin or anything!! With Micah it took about 20 hours of induction to get to 4 cm!
And not knowing if an epidural would slow the progress of labor down I wanted to wait until the contractions became almost intolerable. At 5pm the delivery nurse asked if I wanted it yet, or if I would prefer to wait another 30 min because around that time they would most likely be calling to see if anyone needed an epidural before they went home. So I figured I could hold out another 30 min.
At 5:30 pm the contractions really set in. But bad news, the anesthesiologist  was in a case! So I waited.... and waited... and waited...
At 7:15pm he FINALLY arrived! The contractions were becoming so intense, the pain would radiate in my back, hips, and down my legs. (Now to the women that do this without pain medication; props to you!) Once the epidural was in place (7:30 pm) it was almost instant relief! Now it was time for the nurse to do another cervical check... woo hoo 7 cm!! So they asked if I wanted my water broke since it wasn't breaking on its own. Ummm absolutely!! I want this baby out!!
The doc came in (This was the first time I had seen A doctor since we arrived) she broke my water, and almost instantly I was fully dialated and the baby's head was there.
It was a little after 8 pm when all of this happened and the doctor asked if I wanted to start pushing... Again with Micah, I pushed for 3 hours! So this time around I wanted to wait until things felt ready! Not too much later I asked if they were going to give me a catheter since I had an epidural and couldn't get up to go to the bathroom. As the nurse was going to place it I became overwhelmed with nausea. The nurse thought it might be that my blood pressure went to low from them laying me on my back and possibly cutting circulation off with the epidural. But when the doc came in she said it was my body getting ready to push. 
By 8:30 pm I was feeling a good amount of pressure down below and felt it was time to start pushing.. 1.. 2... 3 contractions (9 minutes) and our baby girl was born!!

8:39 PM
Piper Amelia Dawn Stillwell
6 lbs. 2 oz. 19.5 inches long

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Our little Tater Tot

I have been meaning to write about my pregnancy so far... 
18.5 weeks in, better late than never!



What a change this one has been. Aside from being sick in the first trimester I have honestly felt great! Praise The Lord!! By 14 weeks I no longer had to take any medication for my sickness, and I have felt more energized than ever!! Nesting has already set in, which is awesome! 

As for food cravings, it has mostly been salad, occasionally pickles, and every so often; french fries. My aversions have consisted of cucumbers, salsa, and recently gram crackers. Its just such a change from my pregnancy with Micah. But I have cherished both pregnancies equally the same. I absolutely LOVE being blessed with life growing inside me.
The movements are becoming more and more noticeable, and its a feeling that I am absolutely addicted to!

We find out in 2 weeks if it is a boy or girl! I am starting to count down by the days just so I see the number go down each day!! Spencer is certain it's a girl because of how opposite this pregnancy has been.. I have been inclined to believe the same. And because I have felt like its going to be a girl I am betting its a boy! haha. Either way, I am just excited to know. Then the burp rags, rag quilts, and room decor will commence!! :) And so will the countdown to meet little Tater Tot. 


For you formed my inward parts; 
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139: 13-16

Just for fun I thought I would include a picture of my pregnancy with Micah at 18weeks.

yikes, what a difference!